The long hello…
I’ve been writing, cutting, pasting, reading, and re-reading this entry for a couple weeks now. No more drafts. Just throwing it out into the abyss.
The tears only came later you see. Because when someone is looking to you for answers…for guidance…for strength…sometimes with anger, or sadness, or desperation…there is no time for tears. You tell them they need to be strong. And they ask why. And you say because life is trying to push you out and you need to fight back. Fight your way back in. Be here. With us…with me.
The living can be ghosts. Wandering aimlessly, exhaustively, blindly, tirelessly. Living in a perpetual void, lost in grief, grasping through a perceived loneliness and ‘doom and gloom.’ Ghosts aren’t grounded. Ghosts aren’t anywhere. Ghosts don’t know where to go, so they cling. They linger. They try to pull you in, try to make you pull them back. They’ve got no roots, no home. Their grief traps them, their loneliness drives them.
You want to shake them. Shake them until the void is cracked and they are forced to be in the present. Except it’s too late. Life got sick of their shit. They procrastinated for too long enough, dwelt in a small eternity, and neglected the beauty, the happiness, the love…the LIFE around them.
When the tears came, they came in an array of ways. They still come. On and off. Sometimes in small spurts. Sometimes in an all-encompassing outpouring of emotion. Body shaking. Screaming. Curled in a ball. Grief can be soul-breaking and painstakingly slow. It’s not a sharp pain. It’s methodical…lingering. At times it’s all a blur. There are times of listlessness, of frustration, of aimlessness, of a million different emotions, but you accept it…because as someone close to me used to say, “it’s amazing what you’re capable of when you don’t have a choice.”
Sometimes it’s as simple as a daily reminder not to go back to sleep. Or not giving into despair. Even if I don’t want to – smile. Smile anyway. Get up anyway. Stay awake. Keep trying. Do something with myself. Some days are easier than others. But I know I’m not alone. At times I feel isolated, but I know that an army surrounds me and the gratitude I feel can’t simply be explained within the word ‘gratitude.’
So I grieve. I cry. I shake. I scream. I talk. I rest. I smile. I laugh. I work. I train. I love. Continuing to take my rightful place in this world…in this life I’ve created. I recommit to myself, to decisions, to the people I love, and try to manifest something beautiful. Even if it’s small. Put a smile on someone’s face. Make someone laugh. Give someone time – whether it be giving advice, giving encouragement, or just being engaged or just sitting with them. Forgive someone’s selfishness or indiscretions. Tell someone how grateful I am for them. Hug someone’s sadness away…even for a moment. Turn the extreme feeling of losing into incredible gains. Find the light. I’ve written about the light before. I look for it everyday. Even if it’s just a sliver. Because I don’t want to be a ghost. I want to be here. Living this life. With you.
*Many writers from Rebelle Society help me to articulate all of the thoughts and feelings I have whirling around in my mind and body so I am grateful for that outlet where I can seek inspiration and strength*
